God, I don’t beleive in you!

I don’t beleive in my disbelief either. My mind is empty.

I’m angry at you. I talk to you a lot but you never answer. Maybe I’m blind, or you do not exist. Please show me evidence. Or destroy my meaningless life.

I don’t follow false gods, like money, satan or any other power. I want to follow a true god, if I find it. You are the only true god (if you exist). You could be the only lord of my life. If you would be kind to lead the way. But no, you leave me alone, because you are just an imaginary being.

My heart is too faithful so I can’t let you behind. If you don’t exist, please let me forget you!

I fear you.

When i look closely on the concept of happiness, I can’t see it.

They say: everybody want to be happy. Ok. Maybe I wanna be happy, I didn’t know. I never said I want it. I don’t know what it is.

A sensation, a feeling, a goal in life? When you achieve something, when you feel good? Who are the happy people? Where they are? It looks like an extremly wide concept. As wide as almost meaningless. It’s a kind of jolly joker: it can be anything. It means nothing. The thing or state that everybody wants, no less, no more. You can be happy and unhappy in endless kind of ways.

Words fall apart.

So, then what do I want? -somebody could ask. It’s hard to tell. As a shortcut I can say: I want to be happy. And I said nothing.

Can the context give meaning to the words? Can you give meaning to words with more words (by a definition for example)? Maybe. But language can’t be without connections with some kind of world (not the world of ideas or meanings, but a real world we live within). When you reach a tautology, you are at the edge of the language. You can break out.

Some food for thought. For the record: When I speak about nihilism, I speak about a kind of disease. A disease of the mind with philosophic nature. Or a state of mind.

I don’t have strict nihilistic principles, and I don’t follow a school, and I’m not a philosopher. :)

I write much more drafts than posts.

Sometimes i have a thought. It happens sometimes.

Then, I start to build a train of thought, and that train brings me far. And at a point I start to wonder: am I still really thinking, or just imagine a thought, like i would imagine a thought of a character from a novel? Maybe I’m daydreaming, the train carries me away, and i stopped really thinking. I could change directions, and go by other railroads, and imagine other, just as good thoughts. And how to choose one thought? To what should i stick?

I don’t choose one scenario, I can’t beleive or trust in a single thought. I have other thoughts, I could have plenty of them. Maybe I need a standard. Probably i should use ethic values for standard. It’s not easy.

Sometimes, when I’m thinking without concentration, I realise that I imagine  a conversation with somebody, I imagine what would I say to someone. I imagine words and sentences, metaphors, a text, or a speculative conversation with an imagimary person. Sometimes, when I’m relaxed (before I fall asleep) I almost hear somebody speaks to me, and it’s usually a scary experience.

Sometimes I imagine that i write a post here. In english i have to write simply, to avoid high rate of misunderstanding.

I read somewhere, that philosophy is conversation, or comes from it. Maybe the primer form of thinking is the conversation (with other people). i don’t know.

Another thing comes to my mind. It happened not once. I walk on a street, think this or that, and suddenly, for a moment I feel my mind empty, blank. I realize that my everyday life and thoughts and will are nonsense. I don’really now who am I, why am I here, why am i going down the street, why not the other direction. I’m dislocated. And after a second I’m back in my everyday life because It’s not possible to always start over from the 0. But I don’t feel the need to identify myself with the current content of my mind.

always-climbing:

notaninstantwinner:

A most beautiful punk song.

I posted 6 posts a year ago, in last january. this is my 7th post.

I was angry then, and when i calmed down, i stopped posting. For a while i followed channels with pictures of beautiful females, but it quickly became boring. Pop-culture is boring for a nihilist. A nihilist wants the reality, not the postmodern sea of popcultural nothingness (the micro-blog scene). I can’t fed the black hole in my soul, with nothing. :D

I got a message here in tumblr, it says: “destroy everything you touch”. Usually I try to not touch anything, i don’t really like to destroy myself, or the world. That happened last year, i did nothing.

I’ve been quite apathetic for a year, let myself fall in the state of doing nothing. I did not make any progress. I read a lot, high literature mostly. In philosophy I found Quine. I played a lot of old-school DnD. I worked more or less every month, but didn’t have a normal job.

What else happened? At the summer I went to the dentist, and she spotted that my four wisdom teeth hadn’t emerged enough. They took a radiograph, and it turned out that i have extra teeth in my jaw, altogether 37 or something (some had no space to grow fully), and they, as very cramped, don’t let each other out. I like it, maybe it could have a symbolic meaning.

I’ve read my grand-grandfather’s letters from the second world war. They fought against the soviet army. He was there from 1939 to 1945, when he seriously injured, and they let him go home. Then arrived the soviets to the home, but it’s another story. The letters are full of love of the wife and the family, and asking for packs of paper and tobacco for cigarettes. My grand-grand father was a very good person, I remember him not very well, he died in 1992.

I started playing rugby, we founded a new team for ourselves. No money, no equipment, but we like it.

I think my english has declined a bit, i haven’t used it too much.

I don’t know if anybody will read this, but not really care. Wish you the best, kind reader :)

And now I am angry, again, because i met with Love (see above) again. And therefore I write a post, again. That’s it.

If free will is an illusion, then understanding, and any meaning are illusions too, and we are like machines. In this case ego should be an illusion too

Spirit, free will, God, they’re always the weaker counterpart, just mere additions, antithesises nowadays. They are inferior affixes in our thoughts. Everybody can see, touch the world, but not God.

Determinism or free will? Neither, i don’t like the dilemma. It’s like matter or spirit and so on. If only one option exists, why should we give it names and distinctive qualities? The whole problem is illusion. Is there only matter why should we use the concept of matter? It has meaning only in the dualist set.

So why do we have illusions? They proved to be stubborn, and don’t vanish. We’ll never get rid of them.

Maybe these are just two interpretations of the same ultimate reality or what. The existant. Neither free will, neither determinism, a third, neutral option.

Something’s wrong with the whole issue. I don’t like atheists but i don’t beleive in God either.

Usually i’m ambivalent toward women. First they like me, then they’re angry, when they observe the big NO in my eyes, or on my face, or in my words, whatever.

I was in love twice in my life.

The first was 8 years ago. The girl was my classmate, was beautiful, kind and exciting. I lost my breath when she entered the room. She was my only thought, my notes were full of her. She liked me a much too. But I remained passive. As a good nihilist, i didn’ wanted to build a relatioship or anything. I was in fire and was cool at the same time. I could not let my emotions win even a little battle over my… ego. My stubborness is invincible. I felt it was almost too much for my weak heart. I was happy, and didn’ wanted to be more happy, and i think i could not have been more happy. Years after, it happened not once, that i unexpectedly dreamed with that girl, and at the morning woke up in love, so she has a strong influence on me, I suppose.

Note: maybe a psychologist, or somebody would have a few words about me based on this, but it’s not my profession, do what they want.

The second happened this january, it was love at first sight. I feelt the girl hacked my glass heart with a pick. I lost myself for days, emotions drove me. Only anger have been so strong in me before this. (Un)fortunately the girl got frightened of me, and run away. I don’t blame her, it was natural reaction :D. The whole story took only for a week. But at least it deleted the remnants of the other love. My heart still in ruins, but who cares? Stupid love. It’s not easy to live as a human.

Want sex? Go to a prostitute or lie to somebody, it’s easy.

It means frustation for me. In real life i seem very smart. I never measured my iq, but i think i’m in the upper third. But i’m not happy with it. And what is more important: i don’t know anything, don’t know what to do. So fuck it. I understand almost everything. If not, i understand it later, there weren’t anything i can’t get yet. Something always have been put in my head, at least.

I can write smart things, i could write something smart every two days. But i’m here to write not smart but what comes. And what just comes out of me is stupid., very stupid. Maybe usually i simulate that i am smart. Wait a minute! There’s no reason, no meaning, every meaning is just made up. The language is mostly for manipulation and for lies. There’s no truth, there’s nothing to know. I don’t beleive in that kind of things, i’m a nihilist! Good. I write nonsense, but it’s natural. I’m not even trying to write meaningful, smart things, it would a waste of my talent. Probably you don’t understand me, because my unclear expression, and poor english, sorry for this!

:) Bye

I live in a town in Hungary in Eastern Europe. At nights i go drink to various places. I drink too much i think. Alcohol is a depressant. I’m pessimist. I have no job, no future, no money, no girlfriend. At my hearts core there’s nothing. I like the nothingness, the nihil in my heart. Other people don’t like it. They notice it soon.

I don’t care, but it still makes me angry and sad. I’m a human being, i have that stupis feelings, hate, love and so on. I have the nervous system, have that so called soul (which is of course a metaphor, but works, damn it!) Have i said that the use of english makes me comfortably dumb?

If i had a lot of many, loving girlfriend, future, job, whatever i would still be pessimist and the nihil would be in my heart’s core. I don’t want these things. I like to torment myself.

So back to alcohol. I drink. It has no reason, it’s meaningless. I drink all kind of things. Beer, wines, and other things i don’t know in english. These others have usuallyy more alcohol in them. :)

There is the world. It’s a system, it”s a whole. We can’t get it. Too small, too complex, too far. We have senses. We have the eyes to see with them, ears to hear and so on. We are parts of the whole. No soul as a different substance or essence. no substances, no essences. No matter. Nothing matters. There is only one world. We can differentiate, discern the things of the world, but we shouldn’t think about them as separate beings.

 Living things have to differentiate themselves from the “outer world”. They live, becase they think they’re different. Parts of the universe gone mad. Maybe the universe split.

We use the reason and the concepts, the language to differentiate. Concepts are not the things. There are no things in our head, just mere concepts. Ideas, images. Don’t confuse them. The world of thinking is the world of madness, the world of different objects, independent ideas. Don’t trust the reason. It lies. Good for nothing. Everything is a metaphor in our head. A stone is normal, but we are mad. It doesn’t need senses, thoughts, it’s a better form of existence. Teh real underdog, the really mad existant is the human. Fuck logic, fuck paradox’s, fuck contradictions.

There is. This idiom can be used for real things, for the world. And can be used for made-up things (concepts). What is abstract is not real. Abstracted from reality. Abstraction is in our every sentence, every word. Good to know.

I am an angry nihilist at the moment. I’m mad. The world has no meaning, but me and my depression still exists. I’d like to give up life, hate to try go ahead, to work for nothing. Though I like to fight but just for the adrenaline, to express my aggression, or for competition. I won’t kill myself, it’s too crude. I fear. I don’t speak english. I feel my IQ drops when i use english, i feel my ego weakens, when i try to use my english. I like it, being dumb is good. Makes you free. I don’t want to fuck with you, gentle reader. Not in any sense. I’m a nihilist.

I’d never asked to be born. Now I exist, i have to do something with this life of mine. I am not an addict. I can’t do it. I don’t smoke. I don’t like alcohol, or any other drugs. Pointless. I don’t wanna destroy myself. I don’t wanna be sick. It’s ugly and it hurts. I don’t want to harm others either, I’m not that self-centered

I want to be free. I have these stupid, stupid thoughts and i want to express them freely. For this i registrated tumblr.